so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
