oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
i don't plan on having that self control this summer
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Randomize
