Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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