i jhust puked up my retainher.
I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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