I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
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