we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Randomize
