he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
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