You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
That's when you crack a 10am beer
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
Randomize
