Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
