Taylor Swift is so right about you.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
did i just pee glitter
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
