Your face is a jimmy john
summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
you traded sex for a burrito?
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
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