look no pants
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
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