I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Randomize
