so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
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