so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Randomize