I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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