I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
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