how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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