I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Randomize
