please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
I party with great urgency now.
Randomize
