In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
