just saw ex-bf. should he be more embarrassed to be a college dropout working at rite aid or should i be because i was buying newports and rembrant?
tie
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
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