Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
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