The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
