Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
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