I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
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