I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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