i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
How does one acquire holy water?
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Dear god my vagina.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
