apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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