Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Randomize
