I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
