Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
GO HOME AND LIKE EVERYTHING ON COLT'S FACEBOOK UNTIL 2007.
Wtf it's a Friday night?
PRIORITIZE.
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Randomize
