I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
Small penises have feelings too.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Randomize
