Question for you. Are boobs and hands polarly charged, thus causing the inevitable joining of the two. If so are some breasts simply charged backwards
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
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