I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
I'm eating all of the evidence.
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
kill, fuck, marry: alice cullen, hermione granger, ginny weasley.
damn... fuck alice for sure, I feel bad but i think I have to say marry ginny... and kill hermoine! I can't believe I'm answering this right now.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
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