No stitches, just platelets and will power
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
