I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
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