I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Randomize
