you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
