Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
Two words: blizzard sex
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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