Dude my mom stole all your condoms
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
