you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
