I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
