how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Randomize
