my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
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