that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
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