how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
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