dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
