She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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