i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Randomize
