i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
