i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
