It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
it's like heaven, but drunker
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
