So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Randomize
