Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize