I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
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