I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Randomize
