i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
