He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
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