Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
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