Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Randomize
