Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
