Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
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